United fans: Go and get yourselves a cup of tea and try and think about something else for the rest of the day. If you work with a lot of City fans, tomorrow may be a good time to pull a sickie. Of course, if you live in the south, you'll probably have switched to City already, in which case move on to the next paragraph.
City fans: No, you did not win six-one. The outrageously gifted group of footballers to which you have somewhat conveniently attached yourself won by that margin. You are simply basking in their reflected glory. Still, it is quite a lot of glory, so there should be plenty enough to go round.
Arsenal fans: Pick up the phone and call a United fan in need. Your words would mean a lot at the moment.
The rest of the Premier League: Can you not just pool everyone's money, buy the Barcelona team and share them out on a club-by-club, week-by-week basis?
Suggested headline for tomorrow's papers: 'FLETCHER WONDER-STRIKE ALMOST SPARES UNITED'S BLUSHES'
See you soon.
15.39 "The media have been waiting for this one, writes Daniel Turner. "Even when we beat City, they kept saying 'it's a matter of time'. When it was 11 v 11 the game was even but Evans' red card killed our chances. I really, really wouldn't like to be in his shoes, or Ferdinand's, or Evra's."15.35 Jamie Redknapp describes this as the "biggest statement in Premier League history". Closely followed by City's bank statement.
15.33 "Good performance all round," is Micah Richards's assessment of the game. Go overboard, Micah, why don't you? "To be honest, I'm still gobasmacked. A point would have been a great result, so to win 6-1 is just unbelievable. They had 10 men so you have to let them off, but we took our chances when they came. People call us the noisy neighbours, and here we are."
15.28 How much would you love to be in the United dressing room right now? Not as a player, of course, as a dispassionate observer...
15.26 Six-one? Did anybody else just witness that? It is, while we're spitting out numbers, United's worst home defeat since 1955.
15.24 That puts City five points clear of United at the top of the table. Their odds of winning the title have been cut from 2/1 to 11/8 favourites in the space of 90 stunning minutes. I'm going to give you a couple of minutes to digest that. Or direct bile into my inbox, whatever works for you.
15.22 Let the recriminations begin. "United have played awfully," writes Jack Sheppard. "If we play like this every match we'll be lucky to stay in the top flight, forget winning it. They had about as much inspiration as an old prune and have been ripped limb from limb. It's as if City had been playing Crewe Alexandra's reserve squad, not the best team in England. It's enough to make you want to support Liverpool."FULL TIME: Manchester United 1-6 Manchester City
Incredible.
Incredible.
90+3 min GOAL! Manchester United 1-6 Manchester City (Dzeko)That's brilliant from Silva! City cleared a cross from their own area, it reached Silva in the air, and he simply volleyed one of the greatest passes you could ever hope to see, in between two defenders, and right into the path of Dzeko. Dzeko still has plenty to do as he latches onto the ball 35 yards out, but he bears down on goal, steadies himself, and slides the ball past De Gea.
90+2 min Dzeko had to make it six there! City had about five on two, and Dzeko had time to line up the shot from 12 yards. Instead, he blasted it over the bar left-footed.
90 min GOAL! Manchester United 1-5 Manchester City (Silva)This is getting ridiculous. In the first of three minutes of injury time, it's Dzeko's turn to release Silva. Silva looks as though he's taken a touch too many, but just as De Gea closes in, Silva slides it sumptuously through his legs!
89 min GOAL! Manchester United 1-4 Manchester City (Dzeko)Savour this, City! This has been an outstanding performance by your football team, and the champions have been utterly, utterly dismantled. The corner comes in from the left, Barry heads it on, Aguero cuts it back and Dzeko converts from one yard!
88 min Crash! A ferocious shot from Yaya Toure, and that looked like it was going in for about nine-tenths of its journey!
87 min Young with another cross from the right. Where's Hernandez? That's his zone! Instead, Hart gathers quite easily. According to Peter Odoyo in Nairobi, someone is reading this blog and then shouting it out to an assembled audience. "Keep the prose flowing," he writes. "We have a loudmouth here screaming your words to the audience. No megaphone."86 min The ball goes out to the right. Young crosses, and Smalling's header is well wide.
85 min Richards brings down Welbeck on the United left, and now he's going to go into the book too. Free-kick for United.
84 min Mio Lamin echoes the thoughts of many of you this afternoon: "Man Utd are missing the class of Silva.They need to sign someone in January. At the moment, they don't have a playmaker." The closest thing they have to a playmaker is probably Rooney, and he's made absolutely zero play this afternoon.83 min Nasri passes the ball straight to Welbeck. Welbeck gathers the ball and sprints straight out of play. Not football's proudest four seconds, that.
82 min Richards, who's been a contender for man of the match, makes Welbeck look like a complete amateur, spinning and skinning him comprehensively on the right. Welbeck stretches for the ball, brings Richards down, and goes in the book.
80 min GOAL! Manchester United 1-3 Manchester City (Fletcher)That's magnificent! Fletcher with the best goal of the game, a goal worthy of having absolutely no impact on any Manchester derby! Welbeck charged down the left, ran into Nasri, chipped it back to Rooney. Rooney found Fletcher in the centre, who played a deft one-two with Hernandez. Eighteen yards out, Fletcher only had time for one touch. He went to curl it into the top corner, and about halfway through his dive, Hart realised he wasn't going to get anywhere near it. A terrific roar goes up as United's fans swell with hope! Surely not?
78 min "United deserved this for over-praising and over-relying on the young brigade like Welbeck, Evans and company," writesKiran Kulkarni. "There is no creativity in midfield. Against top teams Man U will be exposed. Barca will tear them apart. Scholes will be missed dearly. Need a talisman in the middle. Perhaps Sneider or Gotze or even Giovinco would do." Smalling the latest man to go in the book for United, taking down Dzeko with half an eye on winning the ball and the rest constituted of pure malice.77 min Dzeko with a golden opportunity to make it four! Rooney lost the ball in the City half and Silva burst forward. Silva timed the ball to Dzeko perfectly, and the Bosnian lashed a shot across De Gea's body. De Gea saves with his feet and it goes for a corner.
76 min City are essentially doing to United what United did to Arsenal here early in the season. City aren't going to run up eight, but United aren't going to run in two either.
75 min Jones tries to pick up the ball down the right, and Dzeko absolutely flattens him. Studs in Jones's shoe, and an inadvertent shoulder in the face for good measure. Enough evidence for Dzeko to be prosecuted there to the tune of one yellow card. Aguero comes off for Nasri.
74 min Silva with a volley from six yards, and he puts it miles over the bar.
73 min Welbeck fires in a shot from 15 yards. It's blocked. So often today, United have just taken one touch too many. They've looked awfully lethargic.
72 min United with the ball in the City half, as their fans stream through the exits. I'd back more City goals before I would a United consolation at this point.
71 min Balotelli is replaced with Dzeko before he can ruin his day by getting sent off, arrested, etc. And Dzeko with an excellent chance on his left foot! He drags it just wide as City swarm all over United again.
69 min GOAL! Manchester United 0-3 Manchester City (Aguero)Aguero from five yards! City are pulling down their shorts and giving United the big old blue moon here! Yaya threads the ball through for Balotelli, who flicks it out right for Milner. The cross comes in from the right, and this time it's Aguero at the back post to convert! For City, this is turning not only into a momentous win, but a ravishing. This is a game City fans will talk about for as long as they follow football.
68 min United lucky not to go down to nine! Evra slides in on Barry, but it's only a yellow!
66 min United win a corner. City head it away. Jones clips it back in. City head it away. From now until the rest of the game, I'm just going to type 'CHIA' whenever City head it away, just to save time. Damian Durrant writes: "Balotelli is on fire today - and nearly last night as well."65 min Anderson and Nani are the men to come off. They've both been about as ineffective as a self-help manual written on the underside of a bridge.
63 min Silva whips it into the centre, and only a desperate clearance by Smalling denies Balotelli! Jones and Hernandez ready to come on for United. Where will Jones play? Right-back? Central midfield? In goal?
62 min United need something really rather extraordinary. First, though, they need to get the ball, and City are really quite reluctant to give it to them. Phil Jones is being readied on the sidelines.
60 min GOAL! Manchester United 0-2 Manchester City (Balotelli)Outstanding work from City! Silva looks to be pinned down in the area, but releases James Milner with a sumptuous back-heel. Milner whips the ball across the face of goal, and Balotelli has the simplest of finishes at the back post! This is getting slightly surreal, no? United are getting caned. Not by Chelsea, not by Liverpool, not by Arsenal, but by Manchester City. The team of Richard Edghill and Ian Brightwell. Baffling.
58 min City able to take the sting out of the game as Barry and Yaya Toure knock the ball around in midfield. Barry tries to slide the ball down the right touchline for Richards. Richards, half-man half-truck, tries to turn Evra, goes down, and wins the free-kick.
57 min The corner comes out to Rooney on the edge of the area. He shimmies inside, passes to Anderson, who slides it back out right for Young. Young with the left-footed shot, and it's deflected behind for another corner. City clear the corner, but much better from United. "United are far stronger after that tactical switch," writes Si England. "I think the removal of Evans was a really positive move."56 min Young wins the ball from Milner, darts into area, gets a left-footed shot away. It's deflected behind for a corner.
55 min Aguero inches away from scoring City's second! City break again with Balotelli, who slips it right to Milner. Milner's swinging cross is an absolute scorcher, searing across the edge of the six-yard box like a meteorite. Aguero's at the back post, but the ball reaches him at an awkward height, and he can't make contact.
54 min Young with a shot from 14 yards! It's deflected back onto Young and wide of goal.
53 min Barry fires the ball down the right flank. Balotelli is in acres of space. And Silva's in acres of space in the centre! Silva's in an awkward position for the volley, but Richards, of all people, gathers the ball in area, powers past two defenders, and smashes the ball into the top corner. Of the stand.
51 min Rooney fires in a cross. It hits Nani on the shoulder and bobbles clear. If the first-half was a rolling simmer, this is the full fondue.
50 min Now City want a penalty as Anderson appears to bring down Richards! Mark Clattenburg, correctly realising that were he to award a penalty he would very likely never referee a United game again, waves play on. "Although City lead 1-0, the eighteen minutes of extra time to be added could be a deciding factor," writes Paul Casey in Melbourne. "United are 'third-half' specialists."49 min Finally Rooney and Nani can work the ball out of defence and relieve the pressure. But that's a real kick in the solar plexus for United, and if any further evidence was needed that Jonny Evans should have been sold to Sunderland for £3 million many years ago, that was it. Balotelli simply brushed him aside. It was devastatingly inept defending.
48 min The free-kick's blocked. But here come City again...
46 min RED CARD Manchester United (Evans) Disaster for the home side at the start of the second half! Jonny Evans was the last man as Milner slid the ball through for Balotelli! All brawn and sinew, Balotelli managed to muscle his way ahead of Evans, who could only grab the Italian's arm and bring him down! Meanwhile, City have a free-kick 19 yards out...
14.31 We have a second-half to play. That's going to begin very soon. "There is goals in this game," Jamie Redknapp assured us. "Don't you worry about that." Interesting to see that gramatically speaking, Redknapp considers goals to be an ephemeral, unquantifiable, almost elusive entity. Which, during much of his playing career, they were.
14.26 "Looks like this could be a draw," writes Mike Hesford in Salford. "Rooney overhead kick to make it 1-1." Somehow you feel that the era of United fans' unswerving confidence in their own team is drawing to a close. One-all? At home?14.21 Bazza describes Balotelli's goal celebration as that of a "match-schtick" man. OK.14.20 A mega half of football. And a deeply frustrating one for United. They enjoyed all the early dominance, but City defended stoutly all half, managed to rob a goal at the other end, and since that point City have looked by far the more comfortable team. United haven't enjoyed too many clear-cut chances, and it'll be interesting to see whether Sir Alex changes things around. Nani's been largely ineffective, Welbeck hasn't had much to feed off but hasn't fed off it very convincingly at all, Rooney's had plenty of free time to ponder the meaning of life, the universe and everything, and so far all the headlines will be about a surly Italian striker with a Jesus complex and who very, very probably owns a gun.
HALF-TIME: Manchester United 0-1 Manchester City
45 min Kompany heads the ball forward, looking for Balotelli. Balotelli and Smalling go up for it, Smalling gets the ball, and Balotelli trudges away clutching his jaw. He always looks thoroughly miserable, doesn't he? Like he's been put on hold by British Gas. For ever.
44 min Desperate defence from City inside their own area as United strain for an equaliser before half-time! At one point I counted sixteen players inside that penalty area, and the ball wasn't even there. City closing down every ball, every man. Rooney and Welbeck try to carve out room for a shot, but the ball disappears into a flurry of socks, and City eventually hack it clear. One minute of added time.
43 min Yaya Toure penalised for a foul on Evra. "Full credit to Mancini for having the verve to attack with two forwards," writesDan Chulakovski in Sydney. "Happy weekend, Toon flying, so great viewing for the neutral!"42 min Smalling marauds down the right. Rooney tries to nudge it through for Nani, but Clichy intercepts, and then Nani gives away a free-kick as he tries to win it back.
41 min Kompany drags back Danny Welbeck as United launch another counter! That's going to be another yellow card.
39 min Young with the cross to the back post. Rooney volleys it back first-time, and Evans completely mis-kicks from six yards!
38 min The free-kick hits the wall, and United have three on three on the counter! Kompany with a great header to clear the initial danger, but back United come with Welbeck. His pass to Rooney on his left is too strong, and Rooney is forced wide. When the cross eventually comes in, Lescott heads it behind for a corner. Better from United.
37 min Again United break after winning possession in the middle third. Fletcher bears down on goal, but a sensational last-ditch tackle from Richards nudges the ball away. City break with Silva, and this time Anderson slides in and gives away the free-kick. It's about 25 yards out, and Anderson is a touch lucky to stay out of the book for that foul.
36 min United break, and City are so quick to drag men back to defend. Rooney cuts back on his left foot, and lashes a shot from 20 yards, but that's straight at Hart.
35 min Balotelli cuts in from the right, bunts the ball past Evra. Evra slides in and catches Balotelli, who stumbles and then tries to get to his feet before deciding that going down is the most prudent course of action. Free-kick on the corner of the United area. Silva with the free-kick, and it's floated far too high to the back post. Goal-kick.
34 min Hart punches the corner away. It comes out to Anderson, who tries a snap-shot with his left-foot from 20 yards. It's a clean contact, but straight at Hart, who parries and then catches.
33 min Young and Evra combine on the left, but City aren't giving them any space out there, and Young is quite content to clatter the ball against Richards and win the corner.
32 min Rooney, who's done nothing for 15 minutes, tries to slide the ball out right for Nani. United win the throw on that side of the pitch.
31 min Yaya with a first-time shot from distance! Not far away! Cross came in again from the left, Evra with the rushed header away, and Yaya simply lashed it at goal from 20 yards.
Jim White on Twitter: "Get a fiver on Balotelli being sent off for another trivial yellow. My guess: time-wasting in the 80th minute..."29 min Two men close Clichy down on the left, and the ball goes all the way back to Kompany. Milner's drifting out to the left to support Clichy, but United win the ball back.
28 min City are probably the most infuriating team to play when you're 1-0 down. Their strategy when ahead pretty much amounts to sticking Yaya Toure in the centre circle and getting him to growl at people.
27 min United look skittish, impatient. Nani tries an impossible through ball for Welbeck - got his angles all wrong there - and welbeck waggles a little finger at him as he gives up the chase.
25 min Evra looks to slide a ball down the left for the run of Young. Richards lunges in to intercept the pass, and pumps it upfield to Balotelli. Balotelli's spotted De Gea off his line, and tries the chip! It's well wide. If Balotelli scores again, I wouldn't bet against him having another T-shirt under his original T-shirt.
24 min All the noise is pouring out of the City end. Milner and Barry combine well in the United half, but the move breaks down.
22 min GOAL! Manchester United 0-1 Manchester City (Balotelli) Bang! Balotelli lights the fuse of this Manchester derby and sparks off at least several dozen other firework-based puns! Against the run of play, City take the lead after more decent build-up play on the left. Silva works it out to the left, the cross from Clichy is cut back to the edge of the area, and Balotelli places his shot exquisitely from 18 yards! There's perhaps three inches between De Gea's outstretched hand and the post, and Balotelli found it! He lifts his shirt to reveal a T-shirt reading: "WHY ALWAYS ME?" "Because you lift your shirt to reveal a slogan-bearing T-shirt," Mark Clattenburg says as he books Balotelli.
21 min Evans with a slack pass, and City pour forward on the break. Milner works it out left to Clichy, whose initial cross is headed away. Back to Milner, back out to Clichy, and he slips as he delivers the cross.
19 min Fletcher tries the 'Anderson special' - you know, that little dink over the defence - but it's the kind of thing that's really better left to Brazilians rather than Scots. It plops into Hart's arms, with Welbeck and Rooney eyeing Fletcher very quizzically indeed.
18 min Nani's cross from the right is deflected, and floats into exactly the same area at exactly the same trajectory from which Rooney scored that bicycle kick last season. This time, though, Micah Richards heads it away.
17 min Clichy with a long diagonal ball, looking for Aguero. Jonny Evans has never looked the most comfortable defender when heading on the backpedal, but here he manages to deflect it back to De Gea safely enough.
15 min That's the kind of corner that makes strikers consider giving up the game and opening a corner shop in Levenshulme. It's taken by Milner, and miles over everybody's head.
14 min Astonishing skill from Silva, managing to elude about four defenders in the United area. The ball is splashed back out to Yaya Toure, who tries to pick his spot and curl the ball in from 20 yards, but it hits a United head and spins behind for a corner.
13 min Young steps inside on his right foot and fires in a low shot. It's blocked. City look perfectly comfortable to pack the centre and let United swing crosses in. They're playing awful narrow at the moment.
12 min City finally get a decent spell of possession. They've had just 30 per cent of the ball so far, and Aguero gives the ball away again. Smalling gets the ball down the right, but Yaya Toure dispossesses him.
11 min The corner's taken short. Anderson curls it in left-footed, and Richards with the firm header away. City clear, but they've got nobody in the United half. Aguero runs into a dead end, and United come again.
10 min It's been all United so far. Smalling tries to squeeze in a cross. It strikes Clichy on the undercarriage, or possibly the upper thigh, and bounces out for a corner.
9 min It's Balotelli who heads the free-kick clear. Throw to United on the right.
8 min Young wins another free-kick on the United left, and City have looked pretty clueless down that side of the pitch. It's Milner who scythes him down that time. Alex Ferguson takes his glasses off and pinches the bridge of his nose in frustration.
6 min "I've been working some ridiculously long hours recently and the only consolation that I can see is that you have too," writes Dan Slingsby. "Every time I'm left in the office on my own, you appear to have drawn the short straw as well." Short straw? Live blogging the biggest match of the season so far? If that's a short straw, then it's sitting in a delicious cold drink filled with nectarines and and gold leaf and Bailey's and liquorice lots of other things. Rooney cuts in on his left foot and clips a cross to the back post. Anderson can't direct his header goalwards.5 min City clear this one too, but United get it back immediately. Anderson tries to spread the ball right for Smalling, but Silva stretches for the ball and intercepts. Balotelli wins the free-kick as City break.
4 min Silva clears the free-kick, but his clearance rolls straight to Nani, who's switched over to the left flank. Barry with the foul, and another free-kick to United on their left.
3 min Beautiful shimmy by Young, who races down the left and leaves Richards for dead. Richards gets back with a desperate lunge as Young tries to cross, and it's going to be a free-kick on the left byline.
2 min Nani tussles with Clichy on the United right. He gets his cross in, and the ball goes through Welbeck's legs as he tries to control.
1 min De Gea's first clearance of the afternoon clips Aguero and loops up to Silva about 45 yards out. Silva takes the ball out of the air and kills it stone dead with a brilliant touch that we may as well call 'genius' in the absence of any more apt adjective. Silva runs towards goal, but United get bodies in the way and win the goal-kick.
13.30 "The most eagerly-awaited Manchester derby since the Premier League began," Alan Parry shouts. Mark Clattenburg blows the whistle. Here we go.
13.28 A couple of largely unrelated Mario Balotelli stories:
13.25 Old Trafford is a cauldron, a cacophony, a groundswell, and other noisy things. The players lurk menacingly in the tunnel, as if hoping to sneak onto the pitch unnoticed. Hart and De Gea having a little giggle in the tunnel. "Yeah, when United signed you, I thought you were rubbish, ha ha!" "Yeah, me too, ha ha!"
13.20 A chat with the two managers. "Surprised, yeah," is Sir Alex's reflection on the City's attacking starting line-up. "I certainly thought Balotelli would play, but they know their players better than me. It's a derby game. If you go into a derby game without any intention to win it, that doesn't go down well with the supporters."
Roberto Mancini, meanwhile, appears to be channeling the spirit of a seven-year-old child with no prior experience of football. "We want to win if it's possible. It will be difficult, because United is a strong team. We want to always win," he says. Is there a more inane statement in football? I'm not sure.
13.15 Is it just me, or do City look to have the edge on the basis of that teamsheet? Both sides fairly close to full strength, but you can very easily see Yaya, Barry, Milner and Silva flooding that midfield and controlling large parts of the game. Big day for Anderson.
13.10 This may well be our first ever email from Kigali, Rwanda.Friday James writes: "We are impatiently waiting for this Manchester derby. We predict United 2 City 1. Though a draw is most likely. Bless you." So polite, Rwandans. No, Friday, bless you.13.00 Now, I was going to give you the teams, but there's been a last-minute change. De Jong was named in the City starting eleven, but he appears to have injured himself at some point between the team being submitted and now. Tweaked something in the warm-up? Accidentally poked in the eye by Mario Balotelli in the dressing room? Who knows? Anyway, his place has been taken by Yaya Toure, so here are the slightly amended teams:
United (4-4-1-1): De Gea; Smalling, Ferdinand, Evans, Evra; Nani, Fletcher, Anderson, Young; Rooney; Welbeck.
Subs: Lindegaard, Fabio, Jones, Park, Valencia, Hernandez, Berbatov.
Subs: Lindegaard, Fabio, Jones, Park, Valencia, Hernandez, Berbatov.
City (4-2-3-1): Hart; Richards, Kompany, Lescott, Clichy; Yaya Toure, Barry; Milner, Silva, Aguero; Balotelli.
Subs: Pantilimon, Kolo Toure, Zabaleta, Kolarov, De Jong, Nasri, Dzeko.
Subs: Pantilimon, Kolo Toure, Zabaleta, Kolarov, De Jong, Nasri, Dzeko.
12.45 It is one of the curiosities of football that clubs, like people, tend to gather in very concentrated areas. So while Surrey, a county of 1.2 million people, has no Football League teams, Stanley Park, a tiny area of Liverpool, has two. For a supposedly national game, the big prizes tend to go to the same places very often indeed. And so welcome to Manchester, which, some would have you believe, has already wrapped its scaly fingers around the Premier League trophy for many years to come, the only remaining bone of contention being which side of the city gets it.
It's the eighth time these two sides will have played each other since the start of 2010. Manchester derby fatigue? Not a bit of it, if only because every time they play City seem to have another couple of £30-million players in their ranks. The teams have been revealed, so we'll have those for you in a couple of ticks. Meantime, why not drop us a nice email?
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